For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.
—Luke 15:24a (NIV)
Where am I? Who are you? What are you doing to me? I’m scared of you—of what you want from me. Why are you talking so loud to me? I can hear you. You are upset with me. What have I done? I can’t see anything around me very well. I reach for things my hands can’t find. I don’t know what is real and what isn’t. I’m lost, and can’t find my way home.
I sit beside you, Daddy, and wonder if these are some of the thoughts in your mind. I don’t know where you are right now, but I know that, even if we can’t go with you, you are not alone. Your Lord is with you in this disease that robs you of who you have always been. Last night, Daddy, you fought those trying to help you. You didn’t know who was touching you—moving you—trying to care for you. You only knew you were terribly afraid of what you could not understand. You, my gentle father, struggles to live in a world beyond your understanding.
You always sang your faith, Daddy. So many times I remember sitting at your computer and listening to the worship songs you had put into it so you could practice your part. Your face would light up as you sang about His love and grace. Sometimes I would sing with you, and you would turn to me and say, “I don’t understand how people can’t believe He is Lord.” And we would sing, and that little grin would unexpectedly light up your face and tug at my heart.
I may feel you are lost to us, but you are not lost to Him. In God’s reality, what was dead is now alive again. As you die to us and all that is in our world, you are held more closely by Him. You are His son, and He has found you in this place where we cannot go. I want to remind you He is with you, so I sing “He is Lord”. Your limp hand stirs in mine. Your eyes are closed, but your lips quietly move. You know—you know that He is with you.
“Oh Lord,” Mama used to sing, “I can't even walk without you holding my hand. The mountains too high and the valleys too wide. Down on my knees that's where I learned to stand. Oh Lord, I can't even walk without you holding my hand.” It is on my knees where I learn how to stand. He is not only holding your hand, Daddy. He also holds mine and walks with me. Our worlds are not the same right now, and will never be again, but He is with us in both—loving, guiding, and carrying us safely toward home. Once lost. Now found.
© 2017 Lynn Lacher