Lord, I yearn to be a sponge who soaks up all of you, and yet at the same time I hold up a wall to protect the last vestige of who I believe myself to be. I don’t want to lose me, Lord, but at the same time I want to gain you. You ask for my complete surrender, and in my struggle to let go, I am backed into a corner. A narrow opening slowly appears, and you ask me again to let go of all I own—to even lay down the gifts you have imparted.
There is not enough room to carry everything with me through that opening. I sit in my corner knowing what you ask, but unable to completely let go so that I might move through that opening to discover all of you. I have asked you to break me of anything that holds me back, and then I fight when you try to break me. Just how much of you do I really want, Lord? Just how hungry am I? You wait for me to empty myself so that I might be filled with you. There is no greater love than laying down one’s life for one’s friends. You laid down your life for me. I own nothing. Not even all that you have given and called me to do for you. You ask me again to lay down all I own—all I think I am—all my rights to know or understand—to know just you. You draw me with love. I have decided. Pride will not be my master. Fear of letting go will not defeat me.
I move forward—stripped of all but my hunger for you. As I pass through that opening and come out on the other side you are there—waiting for me with open arms—full of joy and glory. And in your presence—when who I am and what I have owned no longer matter, you restore me. You return ministry and gifts that I couldn’t bring with me. You fill me to overflowing with a depth of peace and joy that I have never experienced. In giving up myself I have received all of you.
Lord, keep me stripped of self so that I might be filled again and again with you. Don’t ever let me retreat to that corner informing you of all I own. The opening is always before me—asking me to lay everything down. Let nothing stand in your way in my life—least of all me.
© 2018 Lynn Lacher